Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Life is Meaning Less

"So what are you going to do with your wild and wonderful life?"

Well, what? The clock is ticking, answer the question stupid!

You know you are in trouble when a quote on a church marquee makes you burst into tears (see above). Maybe it is my hormones or my consistent sleep deprivation or this intense, disgusting heat and the layer of sweat that it leaves on my skin day and night BUT I am in a king-sized rut - one large enough to move a bed into and set up shop for a long while.

Once again I feel empty and lackluster and meaningless. And when I started thinking about it, I realized that I've felt this way on and off my entire life. Mainly it is my initial response to down time when I am inbetween projects.

Does that make me some sort of a project addict? I am only happy when I am planning, executing or finishing a project? And the rest of the time I am aimless and confused like a big dumb lost loser???

Tanner asked me last night why I can't just BE like those chill Buddhists. Tan is real good at being. He is good at appreciating the NOW and sinking into the moment for all it is worth. Sometimes I am able to do this. I live for life's little pleasures - basking in the sunlight, reading New Yorkers over a pot of tea, walking outdoors - so why can't I just BE and accept and enjoy?

Tanner also questioned my obsessive desire to LAST and leave an imprint. Why can't I be more zen and at peace with life since we will all fade eventually? Why do I have to cling so tightly to this mortal coil? Does all this frantic activity stem from some biological urge to procreate - if not with kids, with something creative and lasting?

I am a frenetic ball of energy that is only happy when hurtling forward at break neck speeds toward some hazy goal in the far off distance. As long as there is a carrot to chase, I will kill myself trying to get there. I even scare myself sometimes. My mom is like this too, maybe it is my genetic inheritance?

I want to do something that matters with my wild and wonderful life. I want to do something that has resonance. Why am I stuck in this empty day to day with not a burst of sunshine!?

The little pleasures give me strength but I need an overarching structure, a plan, a path that is taking me someplace desirable. I need to fool myself into thinking that what I do every day matters - or at least every other day.

I am so a drift right this why people become addicted to drugs? Oh well, nevermind, I have to start work on another episode of The Deadbeat Club. Once again, saved from insanity by cable access! Hurrah!

And now for your viewing pleasures, some travel montages! Montages make everyone feel all good!


Tmoore said...

i'm far from Budhist, far far... if anything my questioning you is a way to find company in my own inability to "just be"
though giving up on the giant footprint is important i think, not just because it all fades, but because staring out to the horizon makes makes you unable to see what right in front of you. (mixed metaphors much...)

But i know you know all this, and i know i know all this... in the end i guess it doesn't matter what you believe, just how well it works for you, how happy and fullfilled in life it makes you... by that measurment, you're holding on is about as effective as my letting go... bummer hu? :D

Eva the Deadbeat said...

maybe it isn't a bummer? maybe that is part of the beauty of this wild and wonderful life? perhaps holding on and letting go are both fine as coping mechanisms and even if they don't bring 'happiness' persay, maybe they bring something else, a reason to get up each morning...? maybe being fulfilled is overrated? maybe you can find peace in a lack of fulfillment?

but you are right that it is important to be here in the now and see what good is in front of you - after all, there is a lot of good. like the kick ass pesto mozzarella panini sandwich i had for lunch....mmmmm...panini. why are so many of my simple pleasures food related i wonder?

mel gibson said...

existence is meaningless- all this hmmmmm'n and hawwwww'n are just your attempts to forget this. You keep your panini- as long as I can keep my tequila and ant-semitism


Eva the Deadbeat said...

oh mel, you are so good at wrapping everything up into tight little packages, that is why america loves you! glad to see you are sober long enough to post some comments in the blogosphere. perhaps you need your own blog?

love from your panini loving pal!

The Le Duo said...

speaking of panini, i just had one from the new meditarano cafe five corners in the jct. yummy!


Eva the Deadbeat said...

dear mr MG, i mean JB, panini is right up there with fried dough, fried reubens and fried ice cream - all mouth watering and drizzling with sin...mmmm...panini...

damion said...

I am the same way, compulsively looking for that next thing to do that will blow everyone away. I am finding that all this false self-motivation is keeping me from looking around and seeing things on their own terms and, by extension, who I actually am as opposed to who I think I should be. Now that I've slowed down inbetween jobs I am doing and thinking a lot better. I just wrote a love story about ponies. Totally weird, but if you read it you'd get it. Who knows where it came from, but if I was operating like I was before it never would have come out.

btw: long-time watcher, first time commenter.

Eva the Deadbeat said...


thanks for your comment! i think you are right that this mad compulsion to produce is an avoidance technique that keeps you just busy enough to ignore what is right in front of your face. i am torn btw wanting to leave a unique footprint and wanting to space out and let my mind drift where it may (perhaps to a story about ponies in love - i dig it! - kind of reminds me of Legend and those darn purty unicorns...).

maybe all this is some biological urge that is satisfied by having kids? i dunno. or maybe this is all meaningless and no matter what you do, you die empty and alone. either way, i think time to space out is important. i plan on scheduling some time to do this real soon ;)

i find that it is usually in my down time when my best ideas drift in - but it is in crunch periods when i manage to accomplish things i never thought possible...