K-Fed the Bland

With much anticipation, we eagerly switched from a 2 yr old rerun of our show on Channel 15 to the Teen Choice Awards where Kevin Federline was closing the show with a rap from his soon to be released album (see video here). Oooh, were we ever excited, finally that fertile parasite of a husband was going to DO something instead of just partying with his homies, speeding in his sportscar and walking red carpets from coast to coast. But was Kevin nervous? Surely this was a lot of pressure riding on his meager shoulders...

"I'm not freaked out at all, man. There ain't no way. I'm ready. It's going to be incredible. I've got a few tricks up my sleeve here and there. I've been getting people ready, I think, you know. Now I think they're ready. I'm ready. I've been getting ready myself. It’s taken me a year almost. I mean I’m ready to perform, my music is ready to be heard. Everything. Just ready to step out and do it." Kevin, Optimism is my Middle Name, Federline

Hmm, well I am glad to see that K-Fed's nerves are not too frazzled from all this excitement. Still, one wonders what the show will be like? Again, here is Kevin's prediction.

"I think I'm going to go for the Oh-my-God factor. That's what I'm aiming for." - K-Fed the Arrogant

Wow, well, at least Kevin is not hurting in the humility department. He seemed primed and ready to GO! After some truly painful chit chat between vacant-eyed Jessica Simpson (or was it Ashlee? hard to tell these days) and Dane Cook, Britney Spears was introduced amidst much teenage girl screaming.

The screeching was so ear splitting that Britney could not get out her sentence and had to say, "Shhhhh, y'all!" The pop princess appeared ready to bust and her HUGE pregnant belly peeked out from under a revealing busty baby doll dress. While snapping gum and smiling girlishly like a proper teen queen, she asked the audience to welcome her husband, Kevin Federline.

"This show has been very good to me and my career over the years," she said, chomping on her ever-present chewing gum. "And I'm hoping that it will be as good to our next performer." Britney Spears

The first person who popped up was a miniature version of K-Fed who was lip syncing to a backing track. The second person who popped up was a slightly larger version of K-Fed only with a big mass of curly hair. He lip synced as well.

"Where is he? HE better not be lip syncing," I screamed at the TV!

Finally, after much ado, Kevin himself popped up. He was wearing a big gold necklace and a white loose shirt. I am not sure why, but he spent most of his performance hunched over like a Quasimodo. He played to the crowd and stalked around the stage like Britneys beloved tiger. Not until the end of the song did he actually dance a little bit. He was rapping live but I couldn't make out any of the trash he was talking. Half of it was cut out due to dirty language.

Federline's rap unsurprisingly included some choice lines about being a "superstar" and moving to "a new tax bracket." Surprisingly, the show-capping performance seems to be mildly well-received, with semi-praise begrudgingly heaped on the rapper for not making the performance the train wreck critics imagined--and maybe hoped for. - Gina Serpe

It was all over in the blink of an eye and, needless to say, it was a bit of a let down. It was neither good nor bad. It just sort of...was. The funny part is that this would be rap star is a celebrity for one reason only, being Mr Britney Spears. In a way, I am happy that we have advanced so much as a culture that a kept man can get some cred just like the kept women of yesteryear. But really, it is a small advancement.

I am glad to say that, for once, I totally support the You Tube haters and the flamers heaping scorn onto K-Fed's baseball capped, rapping head. You can see the video here and read the comments here. My favorite ones so far:

chachainsaw (59 minutes ago)
that was terrible. now little girls think its cool to be a fat pregnant whore.

SadistcSweethart (5 hours ago)
holy shit, I think the only interesting thign in this video was brittney's pregnant slut outfit with her boobs hanging out. This guy is a fucking joke, and the only thing he'll ever be famous for is Fucking Brittney Spears & knocking her up.

darthphunk (4 hours ago)
I have to poop now...THANKS KEVIN FEDERLINE

Still, I am glad K-Fed is doing something. Did he attain the Oh-my-God factor, me thinks not. But here is someone who does. Oh Ewan McGregor, why can't more gentlemen be just like you? You possess such a sweet, open, earnest smile and what about your amazing ability to sing like Frank Sinatra and dance like Gene Kelly? Ewan is the mold that the new men should be placed in. He has more sex appeal and talent in the tip of his little pinky finger than a gaggle of rapping K-Feds. Sigh...