Thursday, September 28, 2006

Kitten Love

Do you ever wish you were a kitten?

Paris VS Gervais

It is about time that A-listers like Paris Hilton stood up to the likes of meager, C-list comedians such as the mastermind behind piddly shows such as Extras and The Office.

Finally, the day has dawned that the beautiful plastic people can take a stand against the pitiful likes of laugh men like Ricky Gervais.

Socialite/singer Paris Hilton has fired back at British funnyman Ricky Gervais for snubbing her on the upcoming season of his comedy show "Extras."

The hotel heiress has branded the comic genius too insecure to work with actresses of her caliber after her pleas to appear on the show, which has previously starred Ben Stiller, Samuel L. Jackson and Kate Winslet, were rebuffed.

She says, "I guess he's obviously scared of starring alongside an A-lister." - SF Gate

I mean, just just WHO exactly does this Ricky Gervais think he is? Most Americans can't even pronounce his name much less recognize his face and EVERY American knows everything there is to know about Paris Hilton.

We've seen her naked, clothed, driving drunk, screwing, blowing, selling, feuding, selling a burger, gyrating, staring off blandly into space like a Barbie doll - what haven't we seen this little angel do?

Obviously, in a battle such as this, Paris Hilton is the obvious victor, after all, that is what her fan site says. And don't I use her pretty pictures on this blog all the time? Pretty always beats ugly every time, duh.

I mean, just WHO do these smart ass Brits with bad-teeth and smelly armpits think they are fooling? We don't want to see these "human" actors with funny faces and body fat!?

We already have the "real thing" sitting across from us in our living rooms! Why would we want to see that crap on TV!?

This is America where we like our cooters shaved, our blondes bimbo-style and our credit cards black American Express. In America, HOTNESS prevails and no amount of sass and humanity can change that Mr Gervais. So there!

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Swiss Kick Ass!

Take that America, the good ol'dull as dirt Swiss have kicked your ass in the one area that hurts you the most, your pocket book! According to a new report:

The United States fell to sixth place in the World Economic Forum's 2006 global competitiveness rankings, ceding the top place to Switzerland, as macroeconomic concerns eroded prospects for the world's largest economy. - Reuters

What can I say, we Swiss may be a little bland, old fashioned and tight with our money but in the long run, the hard working, cheese-consuming inch worm truly DOES beat the overweight, war-hungry, debt-heavy rabbit! Haw hAw! We would rejoice from the rooftops but, as Swiss people are a humble sort, we will just snicker quietly to ourselves while taking the cows out to pasture. Better luck next time USA!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Fall Daze

After an evening of drinking and drama, there is nothing better than a lazy morning involving lattes, Beastmaster, JB and sweet baked goods.

Better still is a late afternoon jaunt at Shelburne Farms. The weather today was breathtaking. Warm, petulant breezes sweeping up anything that wasn't nailed down, forboding dark, angry skies, and the feeling of anticipation hanging heavy in the air. Something's coming, something good...

The sun beat down so hard that we peeled off our outer layers and soaked up this last burst of summer heat. Dried leaves swooshed around our feet and the dark clouds threatened rain. Even though we were spent and tired from a late night and booze, the fresh air and invigorating winds woke us up and we ended up taking a longer walk than planned.

We strolled down a road by the Farm Barn that I've never been down before. The green empty fields stretched on for miles and we passed a little pond and puffed our way up a steep hill. At the top was the Breeding Barn which I've never been to before. There was a choral concert in the barn and streams of cars were filing past us.

As with all the buildings at Shelburne Farms, the Breeding Barn is 10 times larger than most houses. It gives you a skewered perspective. You don't expect to see a skyscraper in the middle of the countryside and this is why the Farm Barn, Coach Barn and Breeding Barn are such a jolt to the system at first. Their architecure is so original and refreshing. It makes you feel like you've stepped into a fairy tale.

We sidetracked up a beaten dirt road and lay down on some slabs of granite. The clouds above us were white and puffy and speeding past, changing shapes as they whizzed by. Patches of burdock sprouted up all around us and the green mountains stood strong in the distance enveloped in a thick layer of storm clouds.

Days like this remind me of Cherry Valley in Upstate New York where I grew up. Endless empty country roads, hills and valleys that stretched far into the distance and lots of big, big sky. We lived at the top of a hill which the school bus couldn't brave in the winter. Our house was large and rambling and our red barn across the street was also sizable. Behind it was a field of burdock and a stone porch with fossil imprints.

When we moved into the place in the early 70s, it cost about $20,000 and my parents had a pond dug behind the house. My mom planted a willow tree that dangled its long branches into the water.

Once, I nearly died in this pond, or so the story goes. I was about 3 years old and I tried to walk into the pond. Problem was, I couldn't swim. My sister, who was 8 at the time, stood by and watched as my head went underwater. My mom ran over and scooped me out. Apparently, I was giggling at the lark.

My father planted all sorts of fruit trees around the house and my mom made jam from their fruit. We often climbed up the hill behind our house past the huge oak tree and visited my dad's cabin in the woods. It was a studio that he had built so he could compose in peace. Only problem was, the quiet was driving him crazy so he didn't get much work done there. But the walk up was delicious and the hill was covered in wild flowers in the summer that we made into bouquets.

Sometimes we would walk up the hill to see our neighbor who was a mile or so up the road. Time stood still out there. It was so quiet at night that you could hear every animal and guess at their activites and the landscape was pitch black. We moved back to Manhattan when our parents got divorced but we spent summers in Cherry Valley for most of my childhood.

We rented out the house and slept in the barn which we had renovated. There was a trap door in the master bedroom and a bedroom for us kids which was divided by a bookcase. I loved those summers away from the exciting, loud city. It always took a little bit of time for me to transition from the noisy street sounds to the quiet country nights. But I loved our house in Cherry Valley and it's always been my dream to buy that place back.

Shelburne Farms is my Cherry Valley in Vermont. It's dusty dirt roads feel like home to me. The empty, green landscape that stretches out in all directions brings me a feeling of inner peace. Tanner says that peace comes from within, meaning that I should be able to find it where ever I am, be it a city, Burlington, Shelburne Farms or Cherry Valley.

This may be true, but there is something about quiet places like Shelburne Farms and Cherry Valley that relax me like nothing else. I think there comes a time when you just have to accept that certain places feel safer and more comfortable to you than others. It is time to admit that the country sets me at ease just as the city excites me and makes me feel alive. I guess it is sort of like my inner yin/yang balance.

The storm that has been threatened all day has yet to break and I am dreading the busy work week that awaits. But this afternoon of sun and emptiness will give me a little inner peace to put in my pocket and get me through the madness. And it is good to say that I finally got my monthly meal of cloud watching which should keep me alive for at least another month or so.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

NBC Strikes Back

NBC has been pushing their new Fall season on YouTube and YouTubers ain't gonna take it anymore! There have been all sort of nasty responses from the haters decrying YouTube for selling out such as:

Andrewz (2 days ago)

YouTube Don't let the corporations in!
(go youtube!)

DAYLIGHT (1 day ago)
oh sh:t YOUTUB is going down the tubes

RoboPimp3000 (1 day ago)
WithMyOwnHands - this video being featured is not "suspicious". NBC has a deal with youtube that goes something like this: NBC gives youtube money, youtube helps promote NBC. It's called a business arrangement.

(2 days ago)
This is great!!! A big, fat, commercial for NBC. Let's all cheer and rave about how great we are because we finally made it to Leno. Mission accomplished. I feel much better. Don't you?

januthin (1 day ago)
It's ridiculous that these huge companies can just buy grassroots websites and turn them into even more ad revenue (e.g. Paris Hilton Channel). They strip every last penny there is left, and leave the site in ruins for the next flavor of the month. Plus, their content makes you DUMB.

januthin (23 hours ago)
I think any medium worth its salt is in debt to the form and content that got it noticed. Youtube is sacrificing its integrity to make a tiny bit more money. In the end, the same people who program your TV, radio, produce your movies and music, are trying to get control of the internet. It's fast and easy... but it's big and stupid. Cogswells Cogs.

januthin (21 hours ago)
Well, there is supposed to be a level playing field, even in entertainment (and news). But there isn't. Everything we hear comes from a handfull of sources which, to get and keep the largest audience possible, grossly simplify the information they offer. Think about it, they don't serve your interest. The irony is that the more you pay, the less they tell you.

(2 days ago)
Remember a few months ago when NBC got all angry with YouTube for airing SNL videos? And now NBC is trying to get into bed with them. Corporate America, and its hypocracy, makes me sick. Whores. Just another example of the big guy (NBC) taking out the little guy (us) because the little guy thought of it first.

And finally, with premiere week underway, NBC responded to the YouTube backlash with this sassy and smart ass video:

And I must say that The Office premiere was well worth the wait and the YouTube advertising.

Jim, time to go back to Pam and your office and continue with the long stares. Only Pam can properly appreciate your jello-fying of Dwight's calculator. Duh.

I think I love this show because it is a bunch of weird-yet-normal people stuck together in a small space and hating each other's guts BUT they make the best of it cause that is just what you do. You get creative with jello and teasing because it passes the time, and really what more can you ask for out of our long, long lives?

Web Builder

The fat-ass pregnant spider on my porch has lost her web. The rain storm of a couple of days ago reduced her magnificent work to tatters.

She does not seem sad though, she seems content and ready for whatever comes next. She has already begun rebuilding efforts and shows no fear.

What is it about the human temperament that makes us want to run from things when they fall apart? Run to the farthest end of ourselves and create a new personality. Is such a thing even possible?

Yet we run and we run, always switching it up to keep the web interesting.

But there is something to be said for the behaviour of the spider. She just does as she pleases. The little bumps and ruffles of life don't concern her overly.

She catches, sedates and enshroudes her prey and works hard to reproduce her kind. She spins out silvery threads to start again. No whining, complaining or games.

Maybe there is something to be said for the spider that picks herself up, dusts herself off and gets busy.

No one's life is perfect, the world is just full of differently constructed webs.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Baby's Cotton Candy

Oooh la la, I loves me some Emma Bunton...mmmmm...just try to get this damn, infectious song out of your head...not possible, but tasty and sweet....

Weird Al is White-n-Nerdy

That's right, Weird Al Yankovic is NOT dead as you might have thought. He is, in fact, still cranking out the tunes and making high production value vids like this one which chronicle the lives of many of us white nerds. Kevin Federline, eat your heart out cause "I edit Wikipedia." I have to admit, I own a cassette tape of Weird Al and am surprised by how much cuter he looks with a nerd haircut and specs. Just goes to prove my theory that everyone looks better in nerd guise, yep:

YouTube on Leno

Hmmm...does this mean that YouTube has jumped the shark? No, I suppose that already happened when Paris Hilton started posting vids. Nevermind though, I am still a big fan of YouTube, the best TV substitute a girl could ever have!

PS And check out Littleloca hanging out with freaky 70s Crispin Glover! Gotta love her! "Movie star, that guy is an idiot," says Crispin about Crispin. What a gem. I wish he had been more entertaining when I was standing in line behind him to see Grizzly Man at Sundance but he was disturbingly quiet and dull.

Littleloca more than holds her own against Mr Coo Coo. His movie (which is featured at the end of her vid) is one of the silliest movies I have ever seen in my life. I watched a rough cut with a living room full of Mormons and it was more than painful. Many slugs died to make that piece of self-indulgent, fur-coat-wearing retardation.

PPS And did you know that Lonelygirl15 has posted again since she was "outed" as though nothing is wrong?! It could be that these are videos they shot a while ago OR it could be that they are trying to pretend like everything is normal. That's right kids, ignore the man behind the curtain, look at how PRETTY and LONELY she is! Either way, it is still working its magic as she has a zillion hits as usual. Go Lonelygirl15-celeb-for-hire!

Sadly, the once loved LonelyGirl15 now has some actual, detractors!! * Gasp *

giantwarwock (6 minutes ago)

wow how old r u? shes like fucking 20-25


Get a grip you stupid fake bitch!

Kingwarren (6 minutes ago)
Skank..shitty actress..needs makeup real BAD

Puppy Love

Today I found a stray puppy wandering around on Main St without a leash or an owner anywhere in sight. I scanned the street for someone who might know where this little perky tailed puppy originated from - the guy outside the bar smoking said she wasn't his, a woman down the street asked me if she was mine. The big street had no clues.

It was one of those moments where the lazy, automaton part of you is like, "Aww, her owner is bound to be around here somewhere, it isn't your business, someone else will take care of it, just go back to work Ms Snoopy." And the other part of you is thinking, "I have to help this little lost baby, she needs me!"

The lady down the street helped me find a piece of twine inside KKD while I held the puppy by her collar. She had a tag with 2 cell phone #s on it and I called both but to no avail. I left messages. What kind of people lose a dog and then don't pick up their cells? Jeez.

Not sure what else to do, I brought her up to my office and shut the door. Christina, Suzanne and I crouched on the floor and fed her saltines and she was so hungry, she devoured them whole. Her tag said that her name was Mela but we weren't sure how to pronounce it so we said it as "Meela."

Mela gave Suzanne many kisses and explored every inch of the office. I figured it wouldn't be long until her owners called for her. She was a thoroughbred puppy after all! But as the hours ticked by and there was no phone call, I became more and more attached to Mela.

She cuddled up in my lap and slept like an angel for a long time. She seemed relieved to be some place soft and warm on such a chilly, rainy day. I took her out for a pee in the park and she tried to chase after a dog while "Whooing" like Snowy in the Tin Tin comics. She appeared to be some sort of a beagle breed who liked to chase squirrels and anything that moved.

She spent hours perched on my shoulder watching the activity in the park across the street while I lamely attemped to type with one hand. Needless to say, not much work was done between the cooing and the cuddling. It was not long before I reeked of dog.

This was sort of how I found my cat 7 yrs ago. An animator at Tippett found a frightened little fluff of fur in his backyard that turned out to be an abandoned white kitten. A modeler was keeping him at her house but she already had 2 cats. A rotoscoper was all set to adopt him when I decided I had to have him. I had spent the entire day carrying him around in my sweatshirt and when the time came to turn him over, it was too late, we had bonded.

Maybe this is what they call the mothering instinct? Some creepy set of hormones and DNA that is bred into me and makes me want to protect lonely animals and make sure they are fed enough.

My brain was terrified that I would never be able to care for a kitten, especially when I worked 60 hr weeks at a company that required most of my life blood, but somehow, we managed to make it work. The Tippetts let me bring little Max to work with me and the entire studio helped raise the little monster, the White Devil as he was fondly called. A couple years after we left they did the VFX for the film Cats and Dogs and I like to think that little Max had some influence on the evil white cat character in the movie.

Just as adopting Max had felt like a big, unexpected-but-right change in my life, finding Mela seemed providential. My life is at a crossroads, I am not sure if I am coming or going, moving back to California or sticking it out in the wilds of VT - this dog was a sign, right? A sign to stay here and raise this baby puppy? Finally, the heavens were answering my big questions and seeing me onto the correct path! Yes! Thank you fates!

But no, actually, that was not how it all panned out. The puppy went home with her father and I had more questions than I started with. On the upside, I had a great talk with my long lost friend in San Francisco and now the plan is that we are going to get a place together in SF!

Or not, maybe, who knows, so many plans and so many fates pulling you this way and that all day long. Perhaps it is up to us to make these big decisions and the puppies and kittens are just a nice bit of companionship along the way.

I just hope little Mela has fond memories of her big excursion into the scary world and her brief time spent snoozing on a strange ladies lap. What an adventure, ah, the haphazard life of a dog.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Peep Show Love

Oh, how I loves me some Peep Show, let me count the numerous is a strange sort of love best described by how a land baron may feel trying to squeeze milk out of his cash cow, or like the love one has for a big hairy twat, or the way one feels about ocean colored pants, or like how I literally love the word "literally" and I repeat it ad nauseum alongside the phrase, "It's like political correctness gone mad!"

OK, enough of the gibberish, if you do not know what I am talking about, you need to bone up on your Peep Show vocab and trip your nuts off while watching endless pooing. Time to get off your tits and watch this damn video:

Now that you are LITERALLY in love with Peep Show, please to enjoy this fab montage. And for a little glimpse of what the Peep Show boys are up to these days, here is an ad for their new show and here is David Mitchell taking a piss on a silly religious British TV show.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Spider Eats Moth

"Hello little do you do upon my back porch door?"

""I am hungry...where is my dinner?"

""Ooh, here is my appetizer! Fresh moth to munch on...chomp, chomp..."

""So fresh and juicy and alive! What a delectable treat! I can still taste her fluttering, paper-thin heart....mmmm..."

""She is mine, all mine. I will wrap my precious up tightly, snug as a bug, and slowly drain her of her life juices..."

""Oh - how I love you my tasty precious...munch, slurp, gulp..."

Hats Off to LisaNova

Well, she's the Queen of YouTube for a reason (a title she shares with Stevie Ryan in my humble opinion) and for proof, here is LisaNova and her crew's hilarious piss-take on Lonelygirl15:

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Lonelygirl15 Masquerade

Well, this whole Lonelygirl15 debacle is far too complicated to properly detail (thankfully, other, better blogs, are keeping good tabs on the fiasco) but it appears to be completely official that she is a hoax (see link). There are pictures, video, actor specs and apparently a movie deal in the works.

Ah well, the entire spectacle is at least interesting. YouTube is still abuzz with video wars about Lonelygirl15. And since we are seeing clips of LG15 on every news program in the country (including ABC, CNN, and the E! News Top 10), it seeems LG15 is at the forefront of America's consciousness at the moment as well.

Bravesgirl5 made a vid called LONELYGIRL15 IS OUT! NOT KIDDING Y'ALL which got 46 video responses. The funniest response is a snotty bit of sarcasm from YouTube darling, Renetto entitled, Lonelygirl15 is a fake...PLEASE WATCH!! I was expecting this video response to be truly cutting because in this video, Dangernerd upbraids Renetto for being a professional filmmaker (big deal, right?) and for reeming Bravesgirl5.

What is it with the YouTube fixation on being "real?" What is real anyway? As Renetto says in his video which takes the piss out of Bravesgirl5, "Yeah, I want the real YouTube people like LittleLoca and Oohlalaaa and The Real Paris, they're all real." Here is Morbeck's fake news proclaiming he is the only "real YouTuber left."

I agree that Paris Hilton does not belong on YouTube but this fixation on "real" seems ridiculous to me. YouTube is a medium created for deceit and simulacra. I missed the Emokid21 fun but it seems almost identical to the Lonelygirl15 creation. Isn't this sort of thing the blood-n-guts of YouTube?

Where would YouTube be without these kids playing dress up and pretending to be someone else for a month or two? In fact, now that i think of it, Lonelygirl15 reminds me of one of my favorite characters, the fairy tale loving, dreamer girl in Labyrinth.

On another odd and even creepier note, Anna Nicole Smith's 20 yr old son is dead (link). It looks like a drug overdose but I think for those of us that enjoyed the train wreck that is Anna Nicole, it is hard not to feel a little culpable.

I mean, there he was, always hidden in the background looking uncomfortable and awkward, and now he is dead. Reality TV goes, ouch. Needless to say, Anna Nicole jokes will be off limit for a wee bit. Poor kid, and poor skinny, blonde bimbo.

And for some closing bad taste, check this out for a pic of Lindsay Lohan's shaved doo ha ha! click on the picture and there it is, firecrotch in all her glory!