Girls Just Want to Get Dry Humped by Strangers (Not)

Yes, yes, I know, what do I expect, right? I mean, I should have known better than to attend 80s night at the Retronome. But what can I say? I like to dance and there are not too many places in town to get your retro groove on.

Yeah! That's the ticket!

Sadly, Retronome plays CRAP 80s music. Their set list is so generic and tired that it makes you want to strangle yourself with a pair of striped legwarmers. Totally Bogus!

For example:

• Def Leppard - Sure, everyone loves "Pour Some Sugar on Me" but what about a less played track like "Animal"?
• Beastie Boys - God, if I hear "Fight for Your Right to Party" one more time, oh no, I just barfed a little in my mouth...
• Cyndi Lauper - I know "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" is standard fare at any 80s night but JESUS, of all the songs on that album, that one is my least favorite and hearing it repeated ad nauseam in underarm deodorant ads makes me want to jam a sharp stick in my eye!
• Salt-n-Peppa - For the record, "Shoop" is technically a 90s overplayed hit and the same goes for "Let's Talk About Sex" - get your decades straight!

Would it KILL them to play some truly trippendicular 80s music? I mean have a look at the Top 100 albums of the 80s and there is some stellar stuff on there: The Cure, The Smiths, Echo and the Bunnymen, David Bowie, Modern Lovers, Prince, Suzanne Vega, The Clash, REM, XTC, Elvis Costello, Talking Heads, Duran Duran, The Pretenders and U2.

Out of that entire bunch, Prince was the only guy who got some play and it was one of his less interesting hits. They did however, play "Thriller," "Back in Black" and "Sweet Child of Mine" - songs which never get enough play these days, right? Like, gag me with a silver spoon already!

Ah well, what are you gonna do? I ended up having a great time dancing with the girls even if I was dancing to tired old generic hits like "Don't You Want Me" and "Respect" (I still appreciate these songs, but PLEASE, they are SO TIRED!). And excuse me, but how is it possible that they didn't play ONE song by Madonna or The Culture Club? Like, fer sure!


All in all, the night was a bit like a high school flashback, equal parts fun and pain. All the elements were there: loud throbbing music, shots of So Co and lime, taking the stage by storm, soaking in the crazy light show and entertaining ourselves with synchronized dance moves to Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now" (which, I swear to God, they played not once but TWICE!!! That is one more time than I need to hear that damn song for the remainder of my lifetime).

Additionally, we had a swell time watching all the Retronome characters: the smelly guy who dances in circles by himself, the ASL guy who stands on the stage and does sign language-like interpretations of the songs to the crowd, the girls grinding up on each other, the couples grinding up on each other, the crowds of solitary, not-dancing dudes lining the dance floor and leering at the ladies, the masses of big flammable hair (where was my lighter?), the copious amounts of free flesh on display (so many push up bras!) and the drunken animal-like behavior. I wonder what Jane Goodall would have made out of it all?

There are uncanny similarities in the nonverbal communication patterns of chimps and humans - kissing, embracing, patting on the back, touching hands, tickling, swaggering, shaking the first, brandishing sticks, hurling rocks. And these patterns appear in similar contexts as those in which they are seen in humans. They mean much the same. - The Jane Goodall Institute

I even got to see two pretty girls making out next to me as a gaggle of men cheered them on. Two seconds later we were avoiding the fight that was about to break out when a clump of thick-necked gents got into a scuffle with security. But what the hell!? We didn't care 'cause we were dancing and the music was loud and it was fun trying to recall every 80s dance move in your dusty repertoire. Rad!

So all this said, it shouldn't really have surprised me when I felt a hand on my waist and turned to see this little grinning fellow suddenly attached to my ass. Apparently, this is also part of the Retronome scene, random strange men sidle on up to you and start grinding your rear. I detached myself quickly enough (after all, he was only half my size) but it left a sour taste in my mouth. Gross Me Out the Door

Twenty minutes later I felt another back end disturbance and spun around to see a taller boy in a striped shirt getting busy back there. I tried to move away and he followed me, apparently interpreting my revulsion as "dancing." As if!

"Help" I mouthed to Suzanne and she rammed into him. Not easily deterred, he attempted to attach himself to Danielle's butt as she reached down to retrieve her purse. One more shove from Suzanne and he was gone for good but first he tried to side swipe her and knock her down in what could almost have been a gnarly Molly Ringwald dance move.

Is it just me, or is this bad behavior? Sure, everyone was grinding and bumping and dancing like strippers but shouldn't you at least make eye contact with a random girl before trying to dry hump her? No Shit Sherlock.

Anyway, before we knew it, the last song of the night was playing ("Hit the Road Jack" gets the point across). The boy in the striped shirt had found a girl receptive to his gropings and they were frantically grinding and sucking face in a corner. Nice Play Shakespeare!

All in all, it was a fun drunken evening. And it does feel good to dance, sweat and get your groove on, even if the music is of the slightly sucky variety. And as we made our way back to the car in the freezing cold past the gaggles of drunks lining Main Street, we were thankful for the warmth of our coats and glad we weren't one of the hapless under-dressed girls wearing ONLY a tube top and a mini skirt 'cause that would fucking suck. Smooth move, X-Lax!

And now, to help clear the taste o' barf from your palate, here is some Echo and the Bunnymen and a totally awesome song to dance to:




PS And thanks to Margot and Scott for sitting through the flashback evening. Psyche! Hard to follow Pan's Labyrinth with a suitable activity but at least we weren't in Franco's fascist Spain, eh?? Like, that would be so totally heinous.

PPS Totally tubular 80s slang taken from this radical 80s Glossary.