Sunday, January 21, 2007

Girls Just Want to Get Dry Humped by Strangers (Not)


Yes, yes, I know, what do I expect, right? I mean, I should have known better than to attend 80s night at the Retronome. But what can I say? I like to dance and there are not too many places in town to get your retro groove on.

Yeah! That's the ticket!

Sadly, Retronome plays CRAP 80s music. Their set list is so generic and tired that it makes you want to strangle yourself with a pair of striped legwarmers. Totally Bogus!

For example:

  • Def Leppard - Sure, everyone loves "Pour Some Sugar on Me" but what about a less played track like "Animal"?
  • Beastie Boys - God, if I hear "Fight for Your Right to Party" one more time, oh no, I just barfed a little in my mouth...
  • Cyndi Lauper - I know "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" is standard fare at any 80s night but JESUS, of all the songs on that album, that one is my least favorite and hearing it repeated ad nauseam in underarm deodorant ads makes me want to jam a sharp stick in my eye!
  • Salt-n-Peppa - For the record, "Shoop" is technically a 90s overplayed hit and the same goes for "Let's Talk About Sex" - get your decades straight!

Would it KILL them to play some truly trippendicular 80s music? I mean have a look at the Top 100 albums of the 80s and there is some stellar stuff on there: The Cure, The Smiths, Echo and the Bunnymen, David Bowie, Modern Lovers, Prince, Suzanne Vega, The Clash, REM, XTC, Elvis Costello, Talking Heads, Duran Duran, The Pretenders and U2.

Out of that entire bunch, Prince was the only guy who got some play and it was one of his less interesting hits. They did however, play "Thriller," "Back in Black" and "Sweet Child of Mine" - songs which never get enough play these days, right? Like, gag me with a silver spoon already!

Ah well, what are you gonna do? I ended up having a great time dancing with the girls even if I was dancing to tired old generic hits like "Don't You Want Me" and "Respect" (I still appreciate these songs, but PLEASE, they are SO TIRED!). And excuse me, but how is it possible that they didn't play ONE song by Madonna or The Culture Club? Like, fer sure!


All in all, the night was a bit like a high school flashback, equal parts fun and pain. All the elements were there: loud throbbing music, shots of So Co and lime, taking the stage by storm, soaking in the crazy light show and entertaining ourselves with synchronized dance moves to Tiffany's "I Think We're Alone Now" (which, I swear to God, they played not once but TWICE!!! That is one more time than I need to hear that damn song for the remainder of my lifetime).

Additionally, we had a swell time watching all the Retronome characters: the smelly guy who dances in circles by himself, the ASL guy who stands on the stage and does sign language-like interpretations of the songs to the crowd, the girls grinding up on each other, the couples grinding up on each other, the crowds of solitary, not-dancing dudes lining the dance floor and leering at the ladies, the masses of big flammable hair (where was my lighter?), the copious amounts of free flesh on display (so many push up bras!) and the drunken animal-like behavior. I wonder what Jane Goodall would have made out of it all?

There are uncanny similarities in the nonverbal communication patterns of chimps and humans - kissing, embracing, patting on the back, touching hands, tickling, swaggering, shaking the first, brandishing sticks, hurling rocks. And these patterns appear in similar contexts as those in which they are seen in humans. They mean much the same. - The Jane Goodall Institute

I even got to see two pretty girls making out next to me as a gaggle of men cheered them on. Two seconds later we were avoiding the fight that was about to break out when a clump of thick-necked gents got into a scuffle with security. But what the hell!? We didn't care 'cause we were dancing and the music was loud and it was fun trying to recall every 80s dance move in your dusty repertoire. Rad!

So all this said, it shouldn't really have surprised me when I felt a hand on my waist and turned to see this little grinning fellow suddenly attached to my ass. Apparently, this is also part of the Retronome scene, random strange men sidle on up to you and start grinding your rear. I detached myself quickly enough (after all, he was only half my size) but it left a sour taste in my mouth. Gross Me Out the Door

Twenty minutes later I felt another back end disturbance and spun around to see a taller boy in a striped shirt getting busy back there. I tried to move away and he followed me, apparently interpreting my revulsion as "dancing." As if!

"Help" I mouthed to Suzanne and she rammed into him. Not easily deterred, he attempted to attach himself to Danielle's butt as she reached down to retrieve her purse. One more shove from Suzanne and he was gone for good but first he tried to side swipe her and knock her down in what could almost have been a gnarly Molly Ringwald dance move.

Is it just me, or is this bad behavior? Sure, everyone was grinding and bumping and dancing like strippers but shouldn't you at least make eye contact with a random girl before trying to dry hump her? No Shit Sherlock.

Anyway, before we knew it, the last song of the night was playing ("Hit the Road Jack" gets the point across). The boy in the striped shirt had found a girl receptive to his gropings and they were frantically grinding and sucking face in a corner. Nice Play Shakespeare!

All in all, it was a fun drunken evening. And it does feel good to dance, sweat and get your groove on, even if the music is of the slightly sucky variety. And as we made our way back to the car in the freezing cold past the gaggles of drunks lining Main Street, we were thankful for the warmth of our coats and glad we weren't one of the hapless under-dressed girls wearing ONLY a tube top and a mini skirt 'cause that would fucking suck. Smooth move, X-Lax!

And now, to help clear the taste o' barf from your palate, here is some Echo and the Bunnymen and a totally awesome song to dance to:




PS And thanks to Margot and Scott for sitting through the flashback evening. Psyche! Hard to follow Pan's Labyrinth with a suitable activity but at least we weren't in Franco's fascist Spain, eh?? Like, that would be so totally heinous.

PPS Totally tubular 80s slang taken from this radical 80s Glossary.

12 comments:

Q_Monroe said...

great post! you described the night to a T. and i love the 80s slang and the pre-SATC "girls just wanna have fun" pics. i have loved SJP for a long long time. i think you have to remember that the caliber of people at retronome probably don't even know the good 80s tunes, that's why they don't play them. we should just make our own 80s dance party. you be the dj. although the music wasn't the best, it seemed to me that you were having a ball. good to see you getting good and drunk and happy!

Eva the Deadbeat said...

so true, i did have a really fun time! and i think a dance party in one of our living rooms is the next step. that way we can pick and choose the music and there is NO sudden dry humping by strangers! YES!

PS I watched some SATC reruns last night (season 3, middle disc) and they fit my dark post-rehearsal mood to a T. I sometimes forget how perfect those tales are...

PPS and, being a total super dork, i own a VHS copy of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun," so if you ever wanna girl-dork-out with SJP, Shannon Dougherty and Helen Hunt, I am down!

scott said...

While I was walking up Church St. that night flocks of drunkards were badly singing bad '80s tunes and I saw some guy run right into a wall then he started caressing and kissing it. I've never walked so fast.

Molly said...

You crazy kids. What's SJP? SATC? I feel so old. Eva, you weren't old enough to remember the 80s! Oh yeah, you're only a year younger than me...

Eva the Deadbeat said...

HAW HAW! What's that you say Scott, you saw A Flock of Seagulls dry humping a wall on Church Street!? Damn it!? Where am I and my video camera when this shit goes down!?

Eva the Deadbeat said...

MOLLY! OMG! I am SO EXCITED that I have to exclaim in abbreviations, PGUON!! IMHO, SJP is by far the best AITW IYKWIM! You know??!! But don't take my word for it, listen to J-Lo and Brangelina and Yo Ho Ho. They are the ones in the know...ya know?

HAW HAW, I miss you. Coming to Cali in late Feb on school break. Where will you be? Want to squeeze that alien of yours. We can push our old lady walkers up some North Berkeley hills and go get brioche at The Cheeseboard and a perfectly foamy cappuccino at Peets! YUM!

casey said...

I always assumed that Retronome would be my personal hell. Thanks for confirming my suspicions.

Q_Monroe said...

i get all of your abbreviations expect pguon. please to explain?

Eva the Deadbeat said...

Glad to be your guinea pig Casey. ;)

"Pushes glasses up on nose" - I am not even sure if that is a real one but I have seen people use it. I think there are variations such as PTGUON and maybe I could even use PRGUON. Fun with abbreviations!

Q_Monroe said...

very strange. i am smhic. (scratching my head in confusion).

Michael said...

Girls just wanna have fun was the first TAPE i ever bought with my own money! i was 9!
Love BUCK

Eva the Deadbeat said...

haw haw, smhic, i dig that one! hell, i do it all the time!

Mr Buck! Love your TV show! Jeez, how the time it does fly. I still have my collection of dusty cassette tapes. I think Prince's Purple Rain might have been my first. Sigh!