Your Independency Could'a Killed You!

God, you have to love that awful, painfully shrill Carter family and their new Reality TMI show, "House of Carters." Nick, Aaron, Leslie, Angel and Bobbie Jean Carter make up the bulk of the Carter Clan. Only two of them have actually achieved anything that might warrant an "expose of celebrity undergarments" show, but that only makes the nobody family members more eager to stake their claim for fame.

The show consists of much bickering, high pitched whining, heavy drinking and childish stunts. All this combined with many fancy meals at tacky restaurants, shopping extravaganzas that leave you feeling sick to your stomach and meetings with record executives that make you worry about the future of American youth - oh yeah, and there is some "singing" in there too, painfully bad, smultzy, syrupy, "I guess you could call that singing."

My favorite line so far has got to be tween heartthrob Aaron Carter (girls have got to have better taste than this runt of the litter?! right!?) squeaks to his sisters, "It's been a year since I've fucking had any sex. And you guys are all having lots of sex. I am very sexually frustrated." Eugh. The thought of that little pipsqueak having sex turns the stomach.

Watching the complicated dynamics of this family train wreck is strangely entertaining (to those of us who enjoy over blown soap operas like Nip Tuck and Top Model). Emotionally stunted, puffy-faced Nick is the elder statesman and he does his best to keep the family "on track" (translation: making money) with lots of childish yelling and whinging.

Nick's most interesting feature is that he was recently rumored to be engaged to hottie pants Chinese film star Bai Ling! He should be so lucky to snag that golden nugget of coo coo! That is what I call good taste Mr. Bloated Backstreet Boy! Just imagine what sort of trouble their fame hungry, red carpet ready, over exposed infant would get into!

In the latest episode, the kids go to San Diego to assuage their nervous producers who are hoping for some good vacation dirt. They hit the jackpot as the perpetually perturbed pipsqueak baby of the family, Aaron, steps from one mishap to another.

First, he buys a surfboard without knowing how to surf, then he picks up on a teenager working at the surf shop (watching his grub-like game is tantamount to watching earthworms have sex with themselves) and to cap it all off, he wipes out on his surfboard and somehow manages to get stabbed in the chest - by his own board. Hey, and I thought surfboards were stupid!? Turns out this one had some smarts after all.

Sadly, the crafty surfboard did not manage to put Aaron out of his misery and in doing so, lighten ours a little bit as well. Instead, Aaron goes to the hospital and his weeeping overly dramatic family drink themselves into oblivion. When Aaron comes out with not much more than a bruised liver (silly surfboard, should have aimed for his heart!), he decides he must get back to LA, despite his family's high-pitched protestations.

The gaggle of them stand on a San Diego street corner with more bleached blonde hair than you could shake a stick at. They plead with the snivelling Aaron-infant to stay with them, and when they get tired of pleading, they berate him. He cries like a baby and tries to hide behind trash cans, "I wanna go to LA and do my music! I could walk away right now and be fine without you guys! Leave me alone! Lemme go! Whaaa, I wet myself!"

And it is at this moment that Nick delivers his scene stealing one liner, "Your independency could'a killed you!" For all I know, this was followed by some "bros" as in, "Your independency could'a killed you bro!" Either way, its brilliance is undeniable.

And let that be a lesson to all of you out there suffering from too much independency. If you are not careful, it could kill you too, or at least make you cry like a baby, leave a nasty scar and bruise your liver....