VMAs = Very Mundane Assholes

I don't know what it is about awards shows that used to fascinate me so? I guess it was the possibility that you might see something unscripted, unprepared and REAL pop through the surreal sheen of artifice. But this happens SO rarely that I can't bear to sit through these tedious award shows unless I am otherwise occupied cleaning my gun barrels or what not.

Last night's Video Music Awards in NYC on Mtv was another such uneventful Yawnathon. I hear Jack Black was hosting but I don't recall seeing him there. When an award show is as dull as last nights, there is not much left to do but poke fun. In that vein, the best recap I have read yet is this scathing blog by Aidin Vaziri (link). My "favorite" moments of the night were as follows:

Sarah Silverman using her dry wit to shred up the silly celebs Lance Bass (video here) and Paris Hilton:

NEW YORK (AP) - Sarah Silverman ripped, er, ribbed Paris Hilton from the stage of the MTV Video Music Awards, but the comedian wasn't afraid to run into the heiress backstage. "No, because it's - first of all - totally innocuous," Silverman told The Associated Press.

"Second of all, it's not really insulting at all to her. The only insulting part, there's no way she got. So, I think I'm pretty cool."

In her comedy bit, a tongue-in-cheek open letter to Hilton, Silverman, 35, advised her to "lose weight ... I can barely see the bones in your back. It's gross."

Pink accepting an award from a smiling lollipop-headed Nicole Richie whom Pink made fun of in her video "Stupid Girls." A alien-like Richie was presenting with that other famous rejected sidekick, Nick Lachey. What a lovely awkward moment! YES, this was why I tuned in!

Made all the more fun when Pink did NOT take her speech seriously and thank God and her dog's hair dresser. Instead, she acted like one of the stupid girls she parodies and was like, "Oh my god, thank you, how cool!" For sure! It is nice to see that parody and sass still exist in the barren teen pop landscape.

YouTube darlings Ok-Go recreating their hit YouTube video, The Treadmill Song, or whatever it is called! They performed their carefully choreographed leaps and bends perfectly and it might have been the highlight of the evening for me (see video here).

Al Gore presenting a slideshow on global warming which you couldn't see because the control room never bothered to cut to a close up. But I appreciated Al's meager attempt at humor when he said he was at the VMA's because he heard Justin Timberlake (video) was bringing sexy back, "And here I am," growled Gore! Ewww! How creepy and ALSO strangely hot to think of Gore as a sexual human being!

A robot impersonating Paris Hilton reading awkwardly off the teleprompter after being introduced as the world's best sleazy independent film producer (see video here). Just for kicks, I wish they would have cut to this Paris-robot during Sarah Silverman's tirade to watch the robot's blank face register no emotion whatsoever.

Britney and Kevin being introduced to the response of scattered clapping and a couple of boos. Kevin seemed uncomfortable, like he already knew everyone hates him and Brit Brit was doing her best to make fun of something that is just not so funny, what a crappy family they are.

Kelly Clarkson winning out over Madonna, Aguilera and Shakira and not even bothering to attend the ceremony! Psyche!

Lou Reed looking skinny and old as he played a sad version of "White Light, White Heat" with the evening's house band, The Raconteurs. I did like it when grumpy Lou told Pink he loved her, even if it probably isn't true.

Jessica Simpson wore next to nothing while babbling like an idiot and presenting an award to another gaggle of scantily clad of females, The Pussycat Dolls (see video here). I am all about girls dressing as they like but it does get tiring when all the ladies dress like whores or dolls. Makes me glad for some actual performers like Shakira (video), Beyonce (video) and Christina (video) who have more to offer than a flash of TNA (although they got that too!). Ladies, is it so uncool to occasionally cover up your naughty bits?

J.Lo was seriously off the mark in her brain squeezing silver head wrap. I am not sure if she is a cancer patient or not able to die her hair in case she might be preggers? Either way, it looked pretty rank. Better yet, she was able to snatch the Moonman away from a stage crasher who attempted to grab the statue from Jenny from the Block. "Nuh uh buddy, I am from the Bronx, you have to rip this $5000 babooshka offa my head to get this thing!"

I have to admit that I did enjoy Beyonce's performance (see video here) despite its YouTube slagging. I appreciate her ability to bring power, substance and feeling to such a tired ol' event. The lights went dark and the massive video screens which encircled the room showed images of flashing sirens which wailed plaintively. Beyonce descended onto the stage and kicked some major butt with her highly focused vehemence.

I gotta hand it to her, she is beautiful beyond belief and it would be pretty easy for her to push out some cookie cutter regurge but she seems to be going for something a little different and edgy here. Good on ya Beyonce!

All in all, a dull evening for all involved, except for the multitude of immaculately made-up, glossy-haired tween "rock stars" who won most of the nights awards. Makes you miss the good ol' days when rock star meant grungy hair, poor hygiene and a puff of cigarette smoke. Now it seems to mean top hats, fake eyelashes, good skin and straightened hair. It is like an army of Dave Navarros and Brooke Burkes who are all ready to "ROCK"! Sigh, I never thought I would say it but, I miss you Billie Joe Armstrong!