You Tube Envy

You can never escape high school. Never. I know, I know, I'm 32 years old, I 'm not in high school any longer...OR AM I!? My You Tube addiction has catapulted me back to my angst ridden days as a 13 year old silently begging for acceptance from the popular mob. I thought I had outgrown this desperate need for approval? I thought I was beyond this childish desire for acceptance and understanding from my peers? I thought I was comfortable with who I am and who I grew up to be - weird warts and all!? Ridiculous. I was fooling myself all along.

If You Tube is like high school, then I am the geeky girl in the back of class wearing oversized glasses and a loud, brightly colored plaid jumper in the style of Millie from Freaks and Geeks. I dance up and down, breathlessly babbling to anyone who is sitting near me about all the whacky things that go on in my head - they roll their eyes and turn away. Their lack of interest does not deter me.

I keep on blabbing, "Oooh, did you see the Olympics? That Sasha Cohen almost pulled it off, too bad she fell on her butt, huh?! And who are your Top 10 Villains, huh? Wanna know who mine are?? Have you ever seen this painter named Bruegel from the 16th century? He's cool, yeah, real cool. And, uhm, have you ever, like read any of Scott Westerfeld's boooooooo....." and then I fall over in my chair and knock myself out cold. The class breathes a sigh of relief, the silence must feel nice.

All that said, I was never really that loud, geeky girl in high school, but I felt like her on the inside. I had one brief stint of popularity and then fell into mild obscurity. I kept to myself and did my odd little, obsessive art projects after school in privacy. I spent the weekends reproducing my favorite Impressionist paintings while watching HBO. Outwardly, I didn't annoy anyone but I felt like a sore thumb in the midst of all these long haired, brightly smiling Lamoille Union sports stars that made up the popular kids clique.

But that was years ago! 15 plus! And in the time that followed high school I met other freaks like me and became more comfortable in my own freakiness. I adopted the attitude of, "Yeah, I may be weird, but at least I am not boring like you!" I began to be proud of my unique oddities. My skin thickened and the Heathers' barbs became less powerful. And then with "geek chic," it became suddenly cool to be a weirdo! Now I can wear my glasses and my thrift store clothes and be in style!

New Comment Posted to video Green Day Temper Tantrum
wat....the...hell? that was really dumb, and whats with your hairdo? this is complete crap!!! u r a bi-atch!

New Comment Posted to video Green Day Temper Tantrum

that hairstyle reminds me of Miss Hoolie from Balamory.....she SO made that up.

It is amazing how quickly all these personal growths and achievements can be wiped out after you hear hundreds of teenage strangers commenting about your ugly nose, hair, style and lack of a life. You want to shout out helplessly, "I do NOT look like Miss Hoolie (the blonde pictured above) and, uhm, who the hell is Miss Hoolie anyway? Oh ok, now that I see her there is a bit of a resemblance...DAMN IT!"

At first you think it is everyone on You Tube who is getting this negative shit but then you look around and discover that no, there are some beloved, popular You Tubers that get lots of adoration and compliments. And then, the jealousy sets in...

Here is a breakdown of the popular kids hangin' at...

You Tube High

The Girls Who Shake Their Butts:

Emmalina - Cute, good dresser, nice booty, dances well, has an adorable Aussie accent. Addresses "hot" topics to keep herself on the Most Discussed list such as abortion, amateur porn, her fetishes for girls pooping and how she can swallow sperm and still be a vegan. Nonethless, she is pretty vacant and her eyes seem hollow.

FilthyWhore - Plays the trashy yin to Emmalina's classy yang. She rarely shows us her chubby body and wisely chooses to highlight her voluptuous bosoms and beautiful face. She knows how to apply make up and is utterly vacuous and self-centered. Purses her lips a lot and says "uhm" with startling frequency. Begins most videos with the much copied and parodied, "Hi guys." She managed to create some drama when she left Canada, moved back in with her mother and got dumped by her boyfriend (who had unceremoniously posted pics of her giving him a BJ on the internet, thereby pushing her into the You Tube popularity stratosphere).

sexxiebebbe23 - All I know about this pretty blonde girl is that she dances sexy for the camera (not that rare on You Tube - there are teen girls by the dozen doing this same thing, not sure why this one is more special than the others?) and that she must have some haters as she addresses some videos to them.

The Girls Who Think:

LittleLoca - Little Loca is actually a struggling white actress living in LA and trying to make it - or so the legend goes, she has never copped to it. She impersonates a Latina girl from the Barrio who is staunchly religious and against pre-marital sex. Loca is articulate, intelligent and skilled at applying red lipstick. It is a little sad that she is not real but it does not make her messages any less relevant. (For the record, Loca did do ONE butt shaking video - the peer pressure was too much for her, she had to shake what God gave her!)

ZippieALBA - Zippie is a film student in Cali who has a sense of humor about herself (she takes the piss out of the Butt Shaking Girl You Tube Phenomenon) and tells stories about various film shoots she has been on. She is strikingly beautiful and seems smart enough. Most of her comments profess everlasting love and awe at her beauty.

LisaNova - Lisa is new to the scene. From what I can gather, she has moved to LA to "make it" and in some ways, is successful, at least in the You Tube Universe. She is young, pretty, intelligent, and not your average booty shaker. Lisa has artistic inclinations and the editing power to back them up. She is not run of the mill and her videos are refreshing in the stale world of You Tube.

The Girl Who Is Funny:

Brookers - Technically, Brookers is the only You Tuber who has "Made it"so perhaps she is the Queen of You Tube. Brookers is the perfect combo of being cute but not in an overwhelming bimbo way and being nerdy but not in a frightening way. She is smart and curious and obsessive in her desire to make videos. Her inital fame came from a viral video lip syncing to some foreign song called "Numa Numa." The little that I know about her makes me glad you she is You Tube's rising star, she with the gapped teeth and flaring nostrils. Hope her dreams come true.

The Guys Who Are Funny:

TheWineKone - Does good impressions. Makes you laugh and seems highly intelligent. Very popular with the ladies despite proclaiming himself an unattractive nerd.

LazyDork - Also very funny. Claim to fame was a featured video parody of Emmalina entitled, "Just Like Emmalina." Makes up his own raps and shoots and edits them with his girlfriend, Trivia Girl. Again, smart and verbal humor.

The Guys Who Think:

boh3m3 - Articulate and intelligent. Also seems creative and imaginative.

Blunty3000 - Another famous Aussie who smokes while video blogging! He looks like Kevin Smith and the ladies love him. He is well spoken and articulate. I was impressed when he chastised his rabid fans for attacking someone who had posted varying views on one of his videos. He explained that different opinions are a good thing and there should be no personal attacks on his behalf. Pretty cool.

The Guys Who Are Girls:

Morbeck - I don't really know what Morbeck's deal is but I believe he is a boy who dresses as a blonde girl with a sped up voice named Chipmunk. She has various adventures with sleazy videographers, bitchy dark haired friends, odd tea parties, rapes in the mall by FilthyWhore and the like. Highly entertaining and strangely attractive, you will not be able to stop once you start watching Morbeck's vids.

Cats Who Poop in the Toilet:

All that said, I must remind myself that You Tube is the place where a cat pooping in the john gets viewed 300,000 times (see video here). Do not get me wrong, I enjoyed this video of the cat pooping as much as the next guy, but I have to keep You Tube and its complex hierarchies and intricate popularity contests in perspective.

Jealous Losers like ME:

evadeadbeat - There you go haters, I admit it! I am jealous and a loser just like you all frequently proclaim! Are you happy now?? Additionally, I am green with envy. Lisa Nova's latest video, an ode to summer (see video here), while entertaining and fun, is nothing that miraculous. She already has 20,000 hits and it was uploaded yesterday!! And I quote, "You are the queen of You Tube," "You are the montage queen," "We love you LisaNova!"

Sob, I thought I was the Montage Queen, god knows I waste hours of my life montaging (yes haters, you are right there too, I have too much free time on my hands!). LisaNova is beloved and complimented with a ferocity that I just do not understand!? The closest I can figure it is that her videos are simple and real. You can feel who she is as a person and this helps people connect with her.

It is all about the connection. In this world of SUVs, big screen TVs, internet hubs hard wired into our brains and drive through Starbucks, it makes sense that we would desire the one thing we are lacking: intimacy. Even if it is intimacy with a 2D video, it still fulfills some urgent void inside us.

The one thing any artist wants is a receptive audience. The common belief is that if you are any good, you will eventually "make it." I guess that is my proof that I suck big time. I have always been the one toiling away in the back of the art room, spending hours upon hours putting together my masterpiece, only to discover that the pretty blonde girl up front got an A+ for the watercolor she threw together in 10 minutes.

"I just felt it!" she chirps. All that said, I like LisaNova and believe that You Tube is a better place because of her. But I can't help being green, green with envy that she can connect with the masses and I can't. Once an obsessive, desperate loser super freak, always an obsessive desperate loser super freak! As my most verbal hater once taunted me with, "Have fun staying home playing with your dolls Friday night!" Oddly enough, I WILL HAVE FUN!!!

Besides, who wants to be the Most Popular Girl on You Tube anyways? How dull, how mundane, how yesterday. I can toil away in obscurity like the desperate, secretive hobbit freak I have always been and will always be. Joy!