Thursday, June 08, 2006

Rainy Day Movies

After a brief moment of sunshine, the rainy days have returned and there is not much else to do but watch movies! So here are some film blurbs.

The Omen - Awful, awful, awful. I missed dance class and paid $7.50 for this piece of dog doo? I have fond but hazy memories of the original Omen but my sister tells me that not a bit of plot was changed in the remake - which makes one wonder why, oh WHY, bother remaking this sad sack of a horror movie? Not only was this movie not in the least bit frightening, it was down right hilarious! But I was not prepared for a comedy, it was the dastardly devil's birthday - 6-6-06 damn it - I wanted thrills and chills! Instead, the entire theater was laughing their asses off early on in this supposed thriller.

Any why waste such good actors on this atrocity? Liev Schreiber trying desperately to squeeze emotion out of his 2D part, David Thewlis rolling his eyes in wonder ("Why am I here, hmmm, I think I will chew more gum now"), Pete Postlethwaite spiting all over the place in an attempt to bring some dimensionality to his role and Mia Farrow, dear sweet little Rosemary's Baby Mia - what are you doing here? Are you just taking a piss? You are by far the highlight of the entire monstrosity! Through some deal you must have struck with His Royal Darkness himself, you look like a sweet young thing and the gleam in your eye is enough to ignite the flat, empty features of poor, dull-as-dirt, plate-face Julia Stiles.

If nothing else, this film taught me not to water my geraniums in high heels whilst standing on a chair above an atrium in my mansion. It also taught me to eat strawberries before performing an evil deed - preferably fed to me by Mia Farrow. Otherwise, I WANT MY $7.50 BACK! And for a very funny Omen review, check out Tanner's blog.

The Descent - Oooh, this one was some creepy, MFing shit. You want horror this summer, this will make your hair curl on end, rip off your head, and go running and screaming to Siberia. I did not want to see this movie but Tanner was dead set on it as was Margot. And even though it has yet to grace theaters with its high creep out factor, it has been released in England and is therefore available on the web if you are crafty (like Tanner is).

This movie will make you wet yourself because it feels so real. Unlike the Omen and its 2D characters and tired ol' plot, The Descent feels like it could happen, like a real trip with your girlfriends. And once you relate to these characters, you are in trouble because they get buried deep, deep under ground and crawl through thin passages in the pitch dark - and oh my, "What is that frightening clicking sound that I hear?" Eeeek!

It is like one big bloody metaphor for childbirth. Come through the birth canal little girls, you can make it! Luckily, these fetuses also happen to be kick-ass, action superstar, cave-exploring girlfriends and there are some realistic bloody fight scenes to boot. Girl power indeed!

This movie will not only frighten you with little jumps and starts, it will put you in a dark, claustrophobic mood that won't dissipate for hours. Your brain will go down to a deep dark, dank place and you will begin to worry that you will never make it out again - never, ever, until you starve and rot, or get eaten alive.

Movies like this make you wonder what you would do in a life or death situation like this. Would you crumble into a ball and wet yourself? Or would you soldier forward and do what you need to do to stay alive? Me, I would close my eyes and whisper, "There's no place like home" repeatedly until I bit it or someone bit me. But luckily, the movie ended and I returned to reality and luckily, it turned out that I was not buried deep in the earth with a bunch of sickly creatures chasing me. Hurrah for vicarious thrills as the world falls to pieces!

The Notorious Betty Page - Tanner and I went on a Sunday rainy day jaunt to Montpelier where we enjoyed $2 margaritas (many of them...I think), a walk about town and a movie at The Savoy. We got to have a look at the booth where they have two 35 mm projectors and they project the film on 6000 foot reels. Oddly enough, they don't do the change over manually but put on magnetic tape and let the auto change over do its magic. Call me old fashioned but I love the sensation of standing there with one hand on the change over button and my other hand on the motor...waiting, waiting....and there goes the 1st cue mark, BAM, on goes your projector's motor. 7 seconds later, there goes the 2nd cue mark, BAM, open your changeover, focus your lens, reframe if necessary and voila! The magic is done! You can learn more about projecting and changeovers in this little video.

As for the movie we saw, it was a little dull. I love Betty Page as much as the next girl and it makes me sad she made but a meager profit from her immense retro fame. Gretchen Mol was trying to earn her status as the once hot IT girl and she did an admirable job by going completely nude as the sizzling Betty. But the script was somewhat lacking and Betty never really became much of a 3D character. She remained much like the still photos of Betty are today, just a faded remnant of someone we will never really know. Gretchen's Betty was sweet and charming but not much of anything else. The 50s sets and costumes are worth the go see though and who doesn't like those 50s pin up pics? Throw in Lili Taylor and you have a movie worth seeing.

Serenity - Joss Whedon's failed TV show "Firefly" made a pretty good sci fi romp of a film. Margot rented this movie as she is the sci fi head of the family but Tanner and I enjoyed it as well. Definitely a step up from your average WB show. The dialogue was better than the new Star Wars debacles and the sex-crazed engine room girl was a laugh riot with her insatiable "nether regions". Definitely a good Friday night rainy movie with epic chases, a Han Solo knock-off with sass, kick ass battle scenes and fights and some hot ladies with big bazoombas. Well worth the rental.

And btw, watching the Mtv Movie Awards is like having your toenails pulled with a rusty jack hammer named "Jim Carrey". Why, oh why, do these celebs have to be so damn boring? And is Jessica Alba made out of some high tech playdoh? A barbie has more sass. This awkward, stilted dialogue is making my ears bleed.

Here are some Aussie movie star babes to warm up your cold rainy days:


Fuchsia Groan said...

Geek footnote: That sex-crazed engine girl played the part of an abducted KID in a season 3 episode of The X-Files called "Oubliette." Gives you a sense of time passing, don't it?

Also: The Descent kicks ass. I think it's scarier if you just see the trailer, which doesn't tell you for sure whether there's a monster involved or just a big ol' ruddy puddle of... could it be blood?? And all those womb-like tunnels.

The Mad magazine Omen parody will always be better than either movie.

Eva the Deadbeat said...

i still think descent was hellah scary and creepy...omg, did i just say hellah?