Tuesday, June 06, 2006

How to Be a Snarky Asshole

It is actually not as hard as you might think, in fact, I can do it with my eyes closed! I am officially a snarky asshole internet critic because a well-respected publicist has said it is so.

"If publicity was a religion, and I believe it is, Reid Rosefelt would be the High Priest." - Errol Morris

Indie filmmaker James Israel was kind enough to give my Bai Ling video segment a shout out on his blog, "Jump Cuts." Thanks James! And Reid Rosefelt, the publicist of some of my FAVORITE FILMS EVER such as "Making Mr Right" (John Malkovich before he was THE John Malkovich - say no more, rent this film), "Desperately Seeking Susan," (again with the Rosanna Arquette) and "All About My Mother" (Pedro Forever!) took the time to call me a snarky asshole! WOW! I have arrived! Someone important deigned to insult me! Now you too can be a snarky internet asshole just like me! Follow these quick and easy steps:

1. Must be a loser/deadbeat/total and utter failure - have not much going on - lead a dull, drab existence - live in a basement - do not pass GO
2. Be unattractive - have bad teeth, greasy skin, tummy fat or any of the above
3. Think you are smarter than everyone else but be too shy to talk to anyone
4. Spend excessive amounts of time on your computer editing tiny bits of footage down to little bite sized bits - most of which no one will see or notice
5. Foster a pop culture addiction which will fill the all encompassing void of your meaningless, sorry ass existence
6. And remember, every day you are getting older and older and one day soon you will be dead and forgotten

There now, don't you feel a wee bit snarkier than you did a moment ago? Yes kids, it is just that easy. And how do you know you are successfully transforming into a real snarky asshole? Well, people tell you, over and over again! For instance, the You Tube kids remind me constantly with comments like these:

New Comment Posted to video Back in the Box Paris
your a fucking retard.
lmao. god, get a life besides talking like a man.
and chanting BACK IN THE BOX.
wtf does that mean?
god your gay.

New Comment Posted to The Skel-Fab Club
I don't see how anorexia is funny, neither is this video.

New Comment Posted to Bai Ling Rules!
Bai Ling has a nice bod, but that's it. The ugly Jewish? girl presenting is annoying as fuck.

New Comment Posted to Bai Ling Rules!

this video is the antithesis of God

New Comment Posted to Bai Ling Rules!
Yeah Bai Ling is a dumbass whore but who the hell is this ugly girl??? This isn't even funny. It's pretty stupid actually. I can see why this girl has had A LOT of stupid odd jobs here and there. She would be SO ANNOYING to be around.

And moving right along snarky wannabes, on a less silly note....

For the record, I actually like/enjoy/am entertained by Bai Ling, Britney Spears, Green Day, Lindsay Lohan, Jessica/Ashlee Simpson (although I do NOT like Paris Hilton, no sir, no love lost there) and many of the other celebs I snark on. It is a funny thing. Yes, I am making fun of them but I guess I thought it was obvious that I wouldn't bother to make fun of them if I didn't get some sort of enjoyment out of them too. I mean, I wouldn't waste time slagging on people I found dull and uninteresting (Paris being the exception here).

Which makes me wonder why the You Tubers who hate me bother to watch my videos? Then again, my sister is watching old episodes of "Lost" on DVD even though she doesn't like the show just because she wants to see exactly when it jumped the shark. So I guess everyone has their reasons for loving and hating shows/celebs/losers like me.

But just to clarify, while I know nothing about Bai Ling's skills as an actress, I can tell you that she was nothing but sweet to me in person and I admire her tenacity, fearlessness, shamelessness and ability to be as crazy as she likes on national TV. She is like an untamed stallion running free in this mad uptight world of Hollywood. Bai has balls and then some - and if not balls, very large nipples which you will see if you google image her.

If I dissed her, it was done with love and that is all. More than anything, I am pissed at the Hollywood system which has no place for her except the naked freak show/strip club out back. It is a time old story, sex sells and therefore, you will see more of Bai naked than you will see Bai in clothing. Now I return to my position as the snarky internet asshole and say, "Wow, check it out, I am not the only one snarking on Bai!"

And speaking of red carpet whores, check out Paris Hilton's new music video! It is so bad it might even be good! Her voice sounds like a bargain basement Gwen Stefani and the music is pretty bland and lacks luster (sort of like Paris herself!). The video is a cheapo Herb Ritts knock off a la the Chris Isaaks video.

Poor Paris finds the combination of lip syncing and emoting too hard to bear so she falls back to her most comfortable, "I am an emotionless stick insect poses" which have worked for her on red carpets across the world. Ah Bai, I would much rather be watching your music videos. You seem to have some sort of inner fire and emotion which could easily engulf Paris-the-Wet-Blanket in your unique flames of passion and madness - now that is a sight I would pay to see!


Tmoore said...

don't worry babe, you're not jewish.


The Le Duo said...

i dont understand why you seem to care so much what teenage internet losers say about your vids. I like them, end of story. Anyone who says 'your gay' instead of 'you're gay' should be shot in the fucking throat. Mia Farrow rulz!!

piece owt, JB

Eva the Deadbeat said...

agreed and agreed. mia farrow does rock the house and me thinks she made some secret deal with the devil cause that lady doesn't look a day over 35. she can nanny my demon spawn any day of the week! i just won't water my geraniums over the atrium on a poorly balanced chairs in high heels, there are maids to do this - i ain't no dummy!

love and love from eva the jewish queer!!!

The Le Duo said...

I likes me some Mia!

Eva the Deadbeat said...

hells yeah! serve that evil Mia nanny up on a platter! yum yums! Woody is a fool!

Brooke said...

For some reason I watched "Making Mr. Right" a dozen times in middle school. It encouraged my interest in space exploration, hermitism (possibly not a real word), John Malkovich, and severe haircuts. I'm happy someone else remembers it fondly.

Eva the Deadbeat said...

man, that movie "Making Mr Right" rocked my world. i watched it over and over again back when we got free HBO for some reason. can you even rent it? i wanted to have a cool red convertible and apply my red lipstick in traffic. i wanted to have a cool 50s kitsch apartment and i wanted to make out with a Malkovich robot with such sad, understanding eyes. Dig the hermitism too, that should be a word.

Tmoore said...

but it's _not_ a word, and if it isn't in the fucking webster's unabridged official bubble wrapped 2007 edition than you can't say it and using it a sentence renders your sentiment meaningless. right?
What is it with you young people who think you can just conjure words at will, stay up all night watching your VH1, walking around with your jumping ropes, your echo and the bunnymen, silver bullets, and wide wail corduroys!


Brooke said...

But, Tanner (like the sentence opener of "but"-major no-no), if a word enters the language like a Trojan horse, and enough people begin to use it (or abuse it- remember when "nuclear" could only be pronounced one way, then after much mispronunciation, notably by our current president, it was OK to say it any old way-look it up, sadly, Websters now acknowledges the mispronunciation as acceptable) it becomes a word due to popular use. So everyone, say it with me now-hermitism. And leave my cords alone. Eva, I coveted all of those trappings, too. Which reminds me, I should be on the lookout for a nice suit with some sharp shoulder pads....

casey said...

Say, I'm pretty fuckin' snarky, myself!


It's all mystical an' shit.