Offasty Plant Commits Hari Kari!

**** BREAKING OFFASTY NEWS!! ****

This just in from the hotbed of The Offasty, also known as the Administrative Offices of a large non-profit arts organization in Burlington, Vermont. S Monroe has been gone only one day but her plant, a weak at the knees jade tree struggling with a complicated personality disorder (it wanted to be a palm tree and go on vacation with Ms Monroe to the Bahamas) has given up on life itself and leapt to its death from the towering height of Ms Monroe's handy corner office filing unit. The unfortunate suicide attempt was discovered when Ms Monroe's observant Office Mate, Ms Gabor, returned from yoga class to the strange sight of dirt ALL OVER Ms Monroe's desk. It looked as though a rabid squirrel had leapt onto the office filing unit, ripped the unfortunate jade plant out by its pitiful roots and spread its dirty innards all over the desk.

Ms Gabor was shocked and then horrified by the sight and she let out a frightful yelp! Tom and Tracey came running and an agreement was reached that, indeed, the jade plant had NOT been attacked by a rabid beast (although some have been known to wander these hallowed halls at times) but instead, had made a sad attempt at hari kari. The minutes that followed involved a hopeless resuscitation of the helpless roots and stem. Ms Gabor hurried the plants meager remains to the kitchen and did her very best to reroot the miserable left overs by packing them down hard. The sink was a mess of dirt and guts that will no doubt prompt an scolding email to ALL later in the day (the subject heading will most likely read: “Who Left Dirt in the Sink?!”. Patching it up as best she could, Ms Gabor relocated the plant to her office to keep an eye on any future suicide attempts. The jade plant sits there now, jittery and shaken but on a path to healing.

Next, Ms Gabor spent what felt like hours cleaning the miniscule bits of dirt away from the itty bitty crevices of Ms Monroe’s' desk surface area. So Ms Monroe, if you return to a slightly out of order desk, picture frames askew and desk calendars akimbo, do not blame it on the cleaners, it is the result of an unfortunate jade plant and its last ditch effort to end its miserable life without you here to keep it company. How could you leave it/us all alone to suffer here in your absence while you get a sun tan and drink from coconuts!?

In closing, Ms Gabor took a little trip around The Offasty and watered all her Office Mates plants in a last ditch effort to save other unfortunates before their unanswered cries for help become full blown hari kari attempts. She fears the jade plant’s actions may set off a string of sad attempts at plantacide, much like the unfortunate and mysterious beaching of the whales, and she will do everything in her meager power to prevent this sad, sad fate. After all, an Offasty without plants is much like an ocean without whales. No place for any sane person to spend their days.

More than anything, Ms Gabor is lonely and misses her fellow Offasty co-workers who are in warmer climes or snowboarding and have left this Offasty rather quiet, lackluster and dull. But thank goodness for the drama of the plant hari kari. Otherwise, this would have been quite an average Monday.

xoxo Eva Gabor xoxox

PS Ladies, I miss you!